Most people who experience loss of any kind come to appreciate that the feelings don’t arise in a linear or orderly way; and this week, I’d like to introduce the subject of regrief.
Regrief is the term given to grief that rears its head at different times of life, often without warning and sometimes even once you think you’ve ‘processed’ your grief or achieved closure or acceptance.
The phenomenon is often seen in people who suffer a bereavement as children: at the time of the loss, their own cognitive and emotional development only allows them to experience their grief in a particular way, a way that is appropriate to their stage of life. As they grow, they become more capable of understanding the loss, and may experience a fresh wave of grief that can feel every bit as raw as when the loss first occurred. In addition, life milestones such as significant birthdays, big events like weddings, house moves, births, and yes, further losses, can trigger a reappearance of old feelings – sometimes known as the unwelcome resurgence of the ‘grief monster’.
In the context of sight loss, a common theme that comes up in our Eyematter zoom group is that the associated grief, and healing from the grief, is a work in progress – and the work is never fully done. Adults go through phases of psychological development just as children do, so it’s not unusual to find that a feeling you were previously unable to sit with becomes more manageable, or that an emotional injury you thought you had processed suddenly feels sharp and painful again.
In Monday’s session, members shared the ways in which unexpected events or conversations triggered a reappearance of their grief. In the aftermath of a fall, one person noticed all the old limiting beliefs and negative self-talk about their sight loss once again clamouring to be heard. Others talked about how the thoughtless words and actions of friends, in most cases not intended to cause upset, led to feelings of anger or deep hurt. Having to repeatedly re-explain the impact of sight loss can also cause the grief feelings to resurface, as can changes in eyesight, requiring continual adjustment.
The conclusion we reached was that, although you may not exactly want to welcome the grief monster, attempting to push it away is unlikely to be effective. Perhaps contrary to instinct, regrief is best met with kindness. Taking some time to acknowledge the feelings, while also recognising that this is part of a natural ebb and flow rather than a backwards move, will allow you to heal and go forward into a gentler phase more quickly. Just as you are always going to be affected by your sight loss, so the grief around it will always be present, to a greater or lesser degree. Those ‘regrief’ days when you feel suddenly worse are a reminder that everything changes. That means there will be another day when you feel different again, and maybe even, just as suddenly, a little better.
Wishing you better days, and do take care, until next time,
JW