I have been thinking in more depth this week about the tendency to avoid painful feelings, rather than sit with them, why we do this and whether it’s helpful. The first thing to note is that avoidance is a normal human behaviour – we are biologically programmed to avoid or minimise painful experiences or danger to self.
At certain times and in small doses it can be useful. After any loss, there are usually things to do and it would be impossible to function if you were constantly paying attention to your grief; what’s more, just giving yourself a break emotionally is sometimes necessary to build up resilience. There’s no harm in using distractions for comfort.
With sight loss-related grief especially, avoidance is understandable: anything to do with your grief carries reminders of what was lost and the potential for hurt. Perhaps there are places and even people you avoid, as it’s just too hard to ‘go back there’. Perhaps there are activities you used to do that you now can’t, or would need to figure out a whole new method for, and it’s just too daunting. Perhaps you’re using emotional avoidance, resisting staying with your difficult feelings because it simply hurts too much.
While this strategy may work for a while, and may in fact be what you need to do for your own wellbeing, too much avoidance carries risks. You could be closing yourself off from the opportunity for human connection and personal growth, and you may be missing out on improvements that could make day-to-day life easier.
How do you know if your avoidance has reached unhealthy levels? Signs of chronic avoidance include isolation and withdrawal; being hyper busy and active; and feeling numb or disconnected.
In our most recent zoom meeting, the topic of avoidance resonated with many Eye Matter members. Interestingly some people said they only realised later the extent to which they had been avoiding; while others are very aware of it and in some cases it was happening for practical reasons, eg not making time for a precious hobby simply because everything else takes so much longer these days.
So what is the answer? First of all, most people who were able to find the courage to face the thing they had been avoiding reaped benefits. Invariably they wished they had done it sooner. But give yourself a break: you didn’t do it before, because you weren’t ready then. Maybe now you are, or maybe soon you will be, and that’s okay. Small doses may also be key. I often advise bereavement clients to ‘make time for’ their grief; it may seem counterintuitive at first, especially when grief is something that is by its nature hard to control and tends to hit you in waves at the most unexpected times. But making a little window in the week when you commit to actually sitting with your feelings, reflecting, thinking, allowing yourself to connect with yourself, even for a few minutes, can be really helpful.
The thing about facing into something difficult is that each time you do it you build resilience, and each subsequent time gets a little easier. That goes for facing emotions too. Avoidance never gives you the chance to build up that strength. The first step is usually hardest, though, so remember: go at your pace and be gentle with your expectations of yourself.
Until next time,
JW