We can probably all accept that while loss is a universal human experience, in practice every individual grieves somewhat differently. But you may not have come across the concepts of instrumental grief and its opposite, intuitive grief.
In the mid-1990s, psychologists Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin undertook research to test the hypothesis that there were ‘male’ and ‘female’ ways to experience grief. The theory was that women tend to grieve in a more traditionally demonstrative way, for example by crying and sharing their emotions, whereas men are more likely to get on with practical matters and keep their feelings hidden. Through the course of the research, Doka and Martin found that what they termed ‘instrumental and intuitive grief’ were not, in fact, gendered, and that they existed on a spectrum, with most people oscillating or showing a blend of the two, even if they had a preference for one style over the other.
In our fortnightly zoom, participants considered whether, when it comes to living with their sight loss and processing the associated grief, they have tended to be more intuitive or instrumental, or somewhere in between. Typically, intuitive grievers are more likely to seek and accept help such as therapy or support groups, whereas instrumental grievers might consider their grief as a problem to be solved through tasks and activities. In addition, while they are more likely to keep their sadness hidden, their feelings are more likely to be expressed as anger (we have chatted before in the group about how anger usually masks some other emotion). Most people felt they could relate to elements of both ‘styles’ of grieving and shared that they have moved between the two at different points in their journey.
As always, I was amazed by the generosity of Eyematter members sharing their experiences. A couple of members who have siblings with the same eye condition as themselves talked about how their sibling has not been willing to talk about it or accept support and advice, recognising that that might be because their sibling was at a different place on the intuitive-instrumental continuum. Others expressed concern that maybe they had been ‘hiding’ in the instrumental place, keeping busy and active as a tactic for avoiding difficult feelings relating to their sight loss, and perhaps it would have been better to let themselves feel and express the grief sooner. However, they were reassured that they were doing their best at the time, with the resources that they had. ‘I wasn’t ready then’ was expressed by more than one participant. Accepting this is an act of kindness to yourself.
Remember that grief is not linear or straightforward, and however you feel it, there is no right or wrong way. There is only your way. Take care, until next time.
JW