How often have you heard the expression, ‘Bad things always come in threes’? Or ‘It never rains but it pours’? In grief, sometimes it can feel as though one loss is following another, and there’s no let up. It can be exhausting.
If you feel like that, you might be experiencing grief overload, also known as cumulative grief. Perhaps you were surprised to find your sight loss, alongside its own challenges, re-triggered memories and feelings of sadness from a prior bereavement or breakup. The truth is, sometimes in life we don’t have time to fully process complicated emotions before something else comes along and sideswipes us. Many types of sight loss conditions bring continuous change, which exacerbates this feeling. The cumulative effect is a sense of overwhelm, and something like fear. When will it stop? What’s coming next?
In our zoom session earlier in July, EyeMatter members shared the ways in which multiple losses have affected them, and how they’ve coped. There was acknowledgement that certain times of year, or key places, can trigger fresh waves of upset. Some admitted using avoidance as a strategy, although they found that this made the cumulative effect worse in the long run.
The good news is there are healthy ways to work through grief overload. The first step is, as always, to acknowledge that that’s what’s happening and allow yourself grace and patience. Another tip shared by an EyeMatter participant is to try to deal with one calamity at a time. Avoid avoidance – especially through overuse of substances or unhealthy habits. Avoiding people who make you feel worse – the ones I like to call ‘mood hoovers’ – is okay though! Pursue creative activities where you can, and seek professional support if it all feels too much.
This month we’ve also been discussing how milestones such as anniversaries, birthdays, or even the simple passing of time can affect our wellbeing. There’s a fine line between harmless nostalgia and painful grief for the life we used to know, or the life we thought we would live that may no longer seem possible.
The word ‘nostalgia’ itself comes from the Greek words nostos (homecoming) and algos (pain). By its nature it is bittersweet. In a moving zoom session this week, members generously shared their experiences of looking back and the mixed emotions that evoked. Some felt desperately sad for the things they could no longer do; some felt anger about wasted time or loved ones who seemed not to understand their difficulties. Some felt tired from spinning plates and continually masking, some felt in a kind of limbo between a difficult past and an uncertain future.
Two words ultimately stood out from me from our discussion and they were ‘hope’ (which we have considered previously here on the blog) and ‘purpose’. Perhaps the antidote to multi-mourning – acknowledging the sight loss and its attendant losses, perhaps of identity, of certain activities or ambitions – is to ask: who am I now? What is the life I want for myself, now?
Full disclosure: finding your purpose can be a life’s work. It can happen so slowly you barely notice it, or it can come with a bang, all at once. I truly believe it begins with asking those questions, and pursuing the answers.
Until next time, JW