Chronic sorrow, sometimes also known as living loss, is defined as a pervasive or recurring sense of sadness – which is a normal grief response to a non-death related loss that permanently changes one’s life, for example chronic illness or disability.
Living loss is characterised not only by deep sadness but also by disruption and perennial readjustment as the situation, or life circumstances, change, and the person has to continuously adapt.
Many EyeMatter members, in our September zoom meeting, could relate to these feelings although they may not have given it a name before or realised that chronic sorrow is a recognised state. That’s not surprising in today’s society; we are not brilliant at talking about grief at the best of times but the pain of sight loss is one example of disenfranchised grief – that is to say, a kind of grief for which there are few or no societal rituals or recognition. When we experience a loss through bereavement, for example, there are usually condolences, a funeral, a general understanding and acceptance of your sadness.
In the case of sight loss and other disability-related losses, society offers few if any comparable kindnesses.
You may even feel, because your sight loss is an ongoing issue rather than a singular event, that you have been somewhat forgotten; one meeting participant shared that ‘people don’t ask, “how’s your eyesight?” anymore’ and that, ‘the sorrow doesn’t end, so you just put on your mask’.
None of us would argue that mask-wearing is a sustainable long-term strategy, although it can help in the short term and a degree of ‘fake it til you make it’ has been proven to be somewhat helpful in managing low mood (neurologists have found that smiling effectively ‘tricks’ your brain into feeling happy, and reduces stress).
So what can help in a longer-term, meaningful way?
Research shows that the most beneficial thing for anyone experiencing chronic sorrow is having other people alongside them, especially long term. This might be a friend or family member or could just as likely be a therapist or other professional. Peer support can also make a huge difference, as EyeMatter proves. The key is being around people who don’t try to “fix” but instead are able to hold space for you. People who either ‘get it’ or are willing to listen and to try to understand.
It’s also really important to acknowledge, if you feel you’re living with chronic sorrow, that nobody is happy all the time. We tend to think of happiness as a goal, which once achieved becomes an infinite, permanent state, but it doesn’t work like that. Nor does sorrow; things change and there are usually glimmers of light and hope, however small.
Other tips from our EyeMatter community include:
- Live in the moment and don’t plan too far ahead – worrying about the future is overwhelming when you feel low. Tell yourself you only have to ‘do’ today;
- Retain an element of humour, where possible, about your situation – this can be hard but having someone you can laugh with, or who gets your humour even if it veers on the dark side, can make all the difference;
- Focus on what you can still do more often than what you can’t; but at the same time,
- Honour your loss. The key with a death-related loss is that we honour it. We acknowledge that what we’re feeling is grief, and that’s normal and natural, and we give ourselves the grace to feel it. This grace is what helps you survive it.
Give yourself grace, and kindness, today. Until next time, JW