When we think about living with loss of any kind, we often, mistakenly, think of a period of suffering followed by a period of ‘feeling better’. This false expectation can lead to disappointment, panic, and even despair: Why does it still hurt? Will I never recover from this?
The more common reality of grief is that we oscillate between positive and negative emotions; two conflicting experiences can live alongside each other; or to put it more simply, we have good days and bad days.
When it comes to living with sight loss, for some individuals this is even more pertinent as they may face regular changes to their visual impairment meaning there is no clear ‘end point’ to the loss.
In our June zoom meetings, we explored this idea of holding sadness and happiness at the same time. How is it possible to simultaneously grieve what was lost and hope for what might be?
I found some Eye Matter members in a philosophical mood. There was very much a sense of needing to focus on the things that are truly within your control, which when you think about it is actually very few. Learning to let go of things you can’t control is a pathway to peace. Multiple participants reflected that their place on the scale of hopelessness to hopefulness had moved dramatically since diagnosis, as more doors than they’d thought possible became open to them, especially with the help of Eye Matter. Hope isn’t a static emotion; it ebbs and flows.
We also asked, is there such a thing as too much hope – can hoping ever be dangerous? For the most part, hope is very good for us. There is evidence that hopeful people enjoy greater overall wellbeing, lower stress and better mental health. The only time hope is unhelpful is when it veers into avoidance and denial. To ‘hope’ for a change in an irreversible health condition, for example, is likely to cost a lot of energy and actually exacerbate feelings of despair.
In his amazing book Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl writes of life in the camps, ‘Whoever was still alive had reason for hope’.
When overwhelmed by grief or fear, hope can be hard to locate. So what helps?
Start small: It can be daunting and feel unrealistic to look towards a big dream. What small thing do you hope for today? Is it something that might be in your control? What do you hope might happen week to week?
Turn to nature: Nature is full of hope. The sun sets and rises again; winter gives way to spring, barrenness to growth. What does a puppy hope for? Or a river? (We might be getting philosophical again…) Reminding ourselves of our place in the natural world can be grounding and emphasise the fact that very little ever stays the same – so there is always something to hope for.
Be around other hopeful and inspiring people: It’s a well-known facet of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) that we model the behaviour of those around us. If we want to get good at something, it’s wise to find someone who already excels in that area and observe what they do. So it stands to reason that surrounding yourself with positive, hopeful people can have a powerful impact in your life.
This is where being part of Eye Matter comes in!
Delighted to be back with you on the blog and sincerely HOPING you have a great month ahead.
Until next time, JW