Archbishop Desmond Tutu once famously said, ‘There is only one way to eat an elephant: one bite at a time.’
This wisdom is widely used as a metaphor for taking small steps, especially when setting goals or addressing complex tasks, but it applies just as well to grief, including the grief of sight loss.
Adapting to a life event as momentous as losing your vision can feel utterly overwhelming. When we’re overwhelmed, our nervous system kicks in and activates the fight, flight, or – most commonly – freeze response to threat. This means that faced with a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, the tasks ahead seem so huge that we find ourselves paralyzed; we do nothing.
‘Do nothing’ can be a useful self-preservation strategy, in the short term. Think of early humans, stalked by a predator: staying very still or even playing dead might have ensured their survival. However, in the modern world and in the longer term, this is obviously extremely self-limiting. For example, for a person experiencing loneliness, the idea of making new friends (especially as an adult, when many friendships are already well established, and especially as an adult with VI, which not everyone may easily understand) is so huge and daunting that it can feel easier to retreat into the safety of their shell. The long-term goal of a thriving social life seems too far away. However, for today, for now, they don’t have to achieve all that; they only have to make one phone call, or say one new ‘hello’.
So how to tackle the looming elephant? What small steps can you take to both salve your grief and improve day-to-day life? These were the questions posed to the Eyematter zoom group this week.
Some members were still buzzing after conquering England’s longest zipline at the weekend, and although this sounded more like a huge leap than a small step, actually it’s a great example of a massive achievement that started with small steps, both psychologically (from making the decision to sign up, to positive self-talk on the day) and physically.
In fact most ‘steps’ people shared were physical (sometimes literally, such as starting a walking group) but also required a mental leap of faith or dollop of self-belief to get going, because experiencing the world with sight loss always means doing things differently in order to get that world to open up again.
So what are the best small steps to take and how do they help?
- Knowledge is power: training and learning new things can only be done one step at a time, but can make a huge difference. For example, Eyematter members discussed the benefits of white cane training, iphone training, and taking advantage of audio description at museums and theatres.
- Mental reframing: this means actively deciding to focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t – and finding enjoyment and celebration in each step forward.
- Helping others: even when things are tough, most of us have compassion for others, and most of us feel good about helping someone else out. This is why volunteering, in any form, can be such a self-esteem booster. It’s a win-win: the other person or organisation gets the help they need, and you get the knowledge that you made a difference today. Best of all, volunteering itself can often be done in very small pieces, especially when you start out. Many charities and organisations would be grateful for even an hour of your time.
- Embrace the list: from making and ticking off a daily to-do list to tackle that sense of overwhelm (things always seem more manageable out in the open than swimming around in your head), to listing your small wins – in other words, the steps you have already taken on this journey – and prizing yourself for them.
Don’t think about forever; just focus on ‘for now’ and the rest will follow.
Take care until next time, JW