When someone tells you, ‘You’re so brave,’ how do you feel? Proud, or patronised? Flattered, or frustrated?
It’s a phrase that’s often used towards people who’ve suffered a loss, or who live with a life-changing illness or disability, and although it’s usually well-intentioned, it isn’t always received that way.
If someone tells you they think you’re brave, you may think, ‘Well, it’s not as though I have much choice!’ or, ‘Hmm, I don’t feel very brave.’
In today’s social media culture of sometimes toxic positivity, there is an expectation that we should always be looking on the bright side, expressing gratitude, or seizing the day. Nothing wrong with that per se, of course, except human beings don’t always feel that way. Some days they don’t feel much like seizing anything, and that’s okay.
Of course, as human beings one of our most ancient and most recognisable types of story is the ‘hero’s journey’: we are all reassured by the tale of the plucky protagonist who overcomes adversity. And of course we should recognise and celebrate people who do just that – including ourselves.
We must be careful, though, that this narrative doesn’t play into the potentially harmful stereotype of people with disabilities being always heroic, stoic, and crucially, uncomplaining, bravely soldiering on in a hostile world. As one Eyematter member observed in our zoom meeting on Monday, it’s often the external barriers that get in the way; if the world were a bit more accommodating, perhaps life would be a bit easier and we wouldn’t have to be so brave!
As always, words have subtly different implications for everyone, and they often tell us as much about the person speaking them as they do about the person to whom they’re directed. Often the way that they’re said can alter the meaning; most members agreed that they can tell whether or not someone is being genuine.
What’s meant by ‘You’re so brave’ is sometimes simply: I couldn’t do what you do. It just means: I admire you. I would like to be a bit more like you.
As we discussed in our meeting, some people really appreciated hearing it and understood it simply as genuine recognition that they are doing well. Sometimes it’s encouraging and motivates you to keep going. Other Eyematter members identified ‘confidence’ and ‘resilience’ as more crucial personal qualities than courage. Once those strengths are built up, you’re more able to be brave when circumstances demand it.
In terms of how to do that, one of the key skills learned through NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) is modelling. This means finding someone who can do what you want to do, or has values you admire, and emulating them. On this note, on Monday we also brought our discussion around to the heroes in our own life journeys. Members shared their respect and admiration for the loved ones who, in different ways, have positively impacted their lives. As on many previous occasions, we concluded that if anything builds courage – and confidence, and resilience – it’s community. Here’s to the heroes in all of us.
Take care, until next time – JW