This week I have been thinking about the physical manifestation of grief, that is to say, what happens to us in our bodies when we experience loss of any kind and its associated trauma.
We often think of physical and mental health as being separate, when of course they are not only connected, but inseparable parts of the whole. When we are suffering emotionally, it tends to present in some part of our body, and of course when we are physically unwell it can cause huge mental distress.
In my experience people who are going through grief find themselves with a raft of physical symptoms, not all of which they immediately attribute to their loss. When we think of grief we might commonly think of things like crying and low mood. Perhaps we think of emotions like anger or denial.
Whilst all of these may be present, there might also be physical signs such as extreme tiredness; loss of appetite; aches and pains; muscle tension; racing heart or tightness in the chest; stomach upsets.
A lot of these feelings are familiar to anyone who suffers with anxiety. Anxiety and grief are closely linked. CS Lewis famously wrote, ‘No-one ever told me that grief felt so like fear…the same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning’.
In the case of living with sight loss, your practical fears may of course be well-founded, whether around day-to-day safety or around the questions posed by an uncertain future. Nevertheless, the fearfulness itself can become its own problem if ignored.
Recognising and acknowledging what is going on in your body is the first step to easing the discomfort. (Of course, any unexplained persistent physical symptoms you are concerned about should be investigated by a physician. We know that stress can affect the immune system and leave you more vulnerable to illness.)
In our zoom sessions, which we have been holding twice monthly since April, Eye Matter members discuss the topic at hand and generously share their own experiences, to help and reassure one another. This week, in our eighth meeting, more than one member shared how the loss of sight over a long period had required repeated adjustments, practically and emotionally, and that this constant state of vigilance was exhausting. They emphasised how it was important to acknowledge that what they were feeling was in fact grief and that it was okay to have those feelings.
Another member shared how much the practice of yoga had helped them, particularly when it comes to breathing. Mastering slow, controlled breathing can be so useful in terms of overcoming the physical feelings of panic such as held breath and thumping heart. Others discussed how regular practice, including at times you are not in distress, creates ‘muscle memory’ so that you have those calming breathing skills when you most need them. Psychologically too, noticing that your breathing slows simply because you are focusing on it creates good evidence that it is possible to gain control of your body’s physical responses to stress and fear. This builds confidence and a better mind-body connection.
As always, ‘what works’ is as unique as each individual, and sometimes requires trial and error. However, the most common tips for remaining healthy in body and mind are fresh air, gentle exercise, any activity that occupies the hands and / or brain, laughter, talking with a friend or therapist, and getting regular, high-quality rest.
I hope that you can achieve at least some of these, and take care until we meet again.
JW